In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
