Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
