You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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