somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
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Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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