You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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