I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
