I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we should paint friendship bongs
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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