DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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