like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
