And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
