Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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