update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
