would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
