he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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