He kissed a someone with a penis
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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