and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
