So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
where are my eyebrows?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
