broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
