Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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