My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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