I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
