So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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