He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
