Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
