A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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