I puked a lego.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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