you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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