He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
