Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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