That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
