I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
