So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
