just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You pole danced in your parka.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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