Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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