I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
