Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
