allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
