Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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