Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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