someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
