he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My breasts were aching with rage.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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