I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
