Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
