Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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