Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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