how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
