I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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