Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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