he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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