god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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