saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
