I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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