Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
