If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
