Your face is a jimmy john
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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