hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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