she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
