you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
