So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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