Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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