someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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