It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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