new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We just shotgunned beers for America
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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