I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
