In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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