Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
